So, I’ve been putting off writing about this. It’s been really emotional for me, and I didn’t want to put anything on the internet that I would regret. It’s a weird thing. Writing on the internet about a failed relationship is probably incredibly tacky 99% of the time. At the same time, I’ve spent the last four years telling the internet that I was in a committed relationship and in love, so now that I’m not, I feel like I gotta at least say something… I’m in the fantasy business. In my opinion, that means I’m in the truth business. Like a sci-fi flick, everything has to be honest and real except for the one plot device or setting that differs from reality. Otherwise, no one can relate.
I’m just gonna write from the gut and my heart. Get it all out one time, then hopefully move on.
I was extremely proud of my love for Laura. Probably too proud. She’s all over my Instagram…
Anyone I worked with or was friends with heard all about her. It wasn’t just because she’s easy to admire. She is. I don’t know many people with her high level of effective charisma. Not just because she’s pretty. Of course she is. Before I met Laura I spent years being single. I was confident in being alone. A relationship was the farthest thing from my mind when I met her. Anyway, she knocked my socks off. When things got serious, and I knew I was trusting her emotionally, she seemed to back away. Common thing with dating. So I left. A few months later we ran into each other in a Walmart. We talked on the phone that night. She wanted to get back together. By then, I had started my porn company and was a full time sex worker… She really sold me on the idea that she was cool with my work. At first I said no. I didn’t believe her. I thought she was just trying to get back together because she was sad or lonely. It took me a while to really believe her. Eventually I totally believed her. She got mad when I questioned it. Later on I grew to get defensive when other people questioned her acceptance of my sex work. Retrospectively guessing, I’m now pretty sure she tried her best to be cool with me being a sex-worker, but really couldn’t deal. I think maybe she tried her best to be honest with herself, but really shoved a lot of stuff down in her heart, only in best efforts of trying to be a partner… but this resulted in a volcano of not-looking-at-the-truth for her and a messy explosion of a confusing week long fight for both of us… ending in a really verbally nasty way to leave things off… I won’t go into details, but shit got hairy. We seriously never fought in 4 years, so we really went off on each other. Not much yelling really, but lots of listing all the built up annoying details we stacked up about each other. She blew off my birthday. I pouted like a child. We fought again. She pushed my buttons and asked me if I wanted to break up. Over and over. I refused to end it, but certainly didn’t refuse to exaggerate loudly to her about how she was “wronging” me like a whiney teenager. She moved out. She moved fast, like the place was on fire. Left her cat. Every few days I’d come home to find she’s taken a little more of her furniture and replaced it with more sadness and confusion. I pet her cat and made deals with him. I gave him wet food and asked him to scratch the fuck out of whoever her next boyfriend is and poop in his shoes. Then one day her cat was gone. I tried to get Laura to talk to me with some lame baiting texts. No dice. She’s done. I’m not done, but I’m trying to accept it… Still hurts. Get’s better everyday. Ok now I’m done. I’m gonna move on now.
So… I’ve been really rattled. I’ve never been this wrecked about anything, and I’ve been through some crazy shit.
Here’s one ugly part that I didn’t like to look at…
I’m pretty sure that part of me loved the idea of being with Laura because it validated my crazy porn business. Like a shield. I felt that being a professional pervert must be okay because I came home to a beautiful an charismatic “normal” woman that everyone adores. Seriously, everyone adores her. That was awesome when we were together, but it’s brutal being in the same room with her now and watching everyone crowd around her trying for her attention. (okay we’ve only been in the same room once at a social gathering since she left, but it sucked) Anyway, I know I didn’t specificly think “I’m using Laura to justify my perverted lifestyle/profession,” but at some level I believed, “She wouldn’t stay with me was sick.” I often did find a conversational reason to point to the picture of her on my phone lock-screen when I sensed that someone was judging me for being a weirdo, or questioning the level of sleaziness that chose to operate in. Maybe I was using her… I never felt that I was. Maybe the validation she gave me was just a perk of the actual love we had going on. Maybe now that it’s gone I’m just feeling some displacement… I know one thing for sure. I certainly pointed to her very often. I worked her into any conversation that made me insecure. It’s lame to see this about myself, but I wasn’t confident enough to just own my pro-pervy-ness as a single human. I don’t think that Laura was aware of this insecure nugget I carried, but it must have come out in some way. It must have effected her negatively, in one way or another. Obviously there were some (or many) things we weren’t communicating to each other, thus awful-and-abrupt-break-up.
So Here’s some things that have changed now that I’m single:
– Quit smoking. Okay, I’m vaping like a maniac, but I smell better and my teeth are whiter… Women these days don’t like smokers. I gotta adapt.
– Started eating like a grown up. I pretty much ate McDonalds or just candy for dinner for the past 4 years. Switched to chicken breasts and kale. I’ve never been this ripped in my life. See… :)
– Switched to a daytime schedule. I’ve been childishly defensive of my right to stay up all night, put porn on the internet, eat candy and watch movies. I actually paid one of my employees just to wake me up if I had any appointments before 2PM… I was PROUD of that. That’s a little weird… This made me someone that’s hard to partner with. Not just romantically either. My employees like it way better now that I’m actually awake and in the office when they are. My friends like that I can meet them for breakfast. It’s nice. I quit drinking coffee after 5pm, and now I read books at night to go to bed early. I wake up to an alarm. I snooze a lot, but whatever. I actually dig it.
– Reading shit tons of self help books. Not very punk rock, I know, but they sooth me. I think I’m actually learning stuff and maybe even changing a little. My meditation life is on point. I’m reading about being a better listener, staying in the moment, growing towards positive stuff… I don’t know, it’s getting me through this shit. BTW, I really had NO idea of how shitty of a listener I can be. Have you ever paid attention to your actual listen skills? It’s fucking crazy. I can’t believe I still have any friends. I’ve been waiting for my turn to talk WAY to much. Selfish as fuck. It’s actually not that hard to change and be more present for people. Just takes practice. Anyway…
– My business is fucking booming. This is kinda bitter-sweet to be honest. I built PervOUT so I could retire young and take care of Laura. That was my real agenda. Okay, originally I bought a camera so I could act out some kinky fantasies when I was single. But very shortly after making my first clips, I was back with Laura. I made a plan. A serious agenda. I wanted to take her all over Europe, take care of her parents, knock her up and raise kids with her. I didn’t want the kids or marriage for a while. I was simply open minded to it because I knew she wanted that. Over time I really really wanted it. I was in this obsession that we could live so awesome if only we were rich. I could buy solutions to any of our differences. She’s messy but I like it clean? We’ll have a maid. We don’t make time for each other? We’ll have all the time when we don’t have to work! We have different hobbies? We’ll get interested in each others’ hobbies more when we have more time… from not working… from being rich… I better work my ass off now! The whole time I was with her, I didn’t take any days off unless we had specific plans. I worked every night. The lady I was working so hard to impress was actually getting pushed aside by me trying to impress her… that’s a pretty big malfunction on my part. Anyway, a literal week after she left me my business got so good that I didn’t have to work all the time anymore. My staff is fully trained. Suddenly I just had to manage shit for a couple hours out of a few days a week.
Now I got all the time in the world to NOT do what I wanted… BUT… I have all the time in the world to figure out what I DO want… that’s where the HOPE comes in :) I think I want to write books and make independent mainstream films. I’ll always love running and being a huge part of PervOUT, but I want to do more things too. So…
– Here’s the big one. I’ve decided to stop being a “Pornstar.” I fucking loved it. I already miss it a little, and it’s only been 2 weeks. At first I loved it because it scratched some kinky itches that I never could reach before. Then I loved it because I got good at fetish porn. I started winning awards. My clips started making lots of money. Other performers and producers seemed to really like working with me. It feels good to be great at something. Of course there’s the perks too. Getting to cum on anyone that you can book for a shoot is nice. Instagram and twitter followings nicely stroke the ego. Gifts from fans are nice.
But then there’s some weird/nice/unhealthy stuff… I started to enjoy feeling envied by my “vanilla” friends who have unsatisfying sex lives. I started to enjoy not being a “civilian” that actually needs to limit their sex lives to their one partner. Here’s the really fucked up part, I started to take false pride in not having to count on my partner for my sexual needs. That’s some twisted stuff.
She’s not in the mood? Whatever… I think she’s trying to withhold sex to passive aggressively control me? HA! I’ll book a shoot with a hotter chick tomorrow… Maybe two at a time…
See what I’m getting at? One time during our final hell week of spiraling doom, she accused me of just caring about sex. I arrogantly touted “If I only cared about sex, I wouldn’t be with you. We don’t have sex…” That’s a sick way to talk with someone that you are telling yourself you love and trust. I don’t want to ever be that dishonest again. I wasn’t honest with myself or her in that moment. The truth was, I just really wanted to have all the sex with her but I was sick of getting rejected when she was tired. I was totally down to be patient if she wasn’t gonna be in the mood for a while, but I stopped trusting her to tell me the truth about why she wasn’t in the mood. I just gave up, then blamed her for feeling so shitty about it. There were more issues than sex with us. This is just an example of failed communication. It’s one thing I can not repeat again though with whoever comes along. I’m NOT saying that sex workers can’t be in real loving relationships. I know MANY who really seem to be. I know it is totally possible.
I am saying that I clearly have not developed the emotional awareness or communication tools to handle this dynamic yet. I need to work on that. This may take some time.
Will I go back to sex work, ever? I don’t know. I guess it depends on many things. First I gotta get over some shit. I gotta grow on the inside quite a bit. Eventually I’m bound to meet someone else that I want to love-team up with. I guess if they are in the industry, then I’ll probably be back in the movies…. It makes sense. If they aren’t, I’m not so sure I’ll want to try to put them through what I just spent the last 4 years fucking up.
There’s some other really big reasons why it doesn’t make sense for me to be in the pornos anymore. My shareholders want me to take a salary. Currently I actually pay my bills by taking disbursements from owning the majority of PervOUT. PervOUT does not pay me to be in any of the movies that I produce. This creates some really murky financial waters for the shareholders… So, I gotta start taking an actual salary. That means I have to justify said salary by being an actual CEO of PervOUT, not just a stunt cock who tries to run a business when he’s not doing kinky shit on camera. I gotta grow up and put some businessman pants on. So far, it’s going great. PervOUT has some seriously cool shit coming up really soon. Lots of funding. New functionality. New design. Bigger budget shoots for our producers. Partnerships with some big porno companies…
Anyway, that’s my little emo rant. Just wanted to keep you internet readers current on things :)
Tags: break ups, changes, lance hart, lost love, love, pervout, relationships, sex work, spiritual growth