People ask me for diet/exercise advice. I’m wrote a thing about it a long time ago, but I’m doing a new one because I actually do put effort into my diet and exercise now.
Everyone has their own reasons why they want ripped abs. Maybe medical / health reasons… In my experience it’s mostly loneliness. Or sometimes I just want more attention.
The thing is, my dating pool is pretty limited. I’m all over the internet fucking and getting fucked by the rest of the internet. As you might imagine, it’s hard to find a partner-level lady that’s enthusiastic about that shit. On top of that, I don’t drink or do drugs. At all. Not even weed. Really, not even oxycontin. Yep, huffing gasoline counts… I won’t do that either, even on the third or forth date… It’s not easy to date when you won’t buy ladies drinks. I won’t get into my whole story here, but I just don’t like being around people that can’t be genuine while they aren’t sober. I like to see my friends have fun and all. I have lots of friends that like to get fucked up, and I love them. I just don’t wanna seriously commit in love to someone that HAS TO be fucked up to be themselves… So put Pro-Pervert and Sober things together and I can’t really afford to have much else wrong with me… Even IF I’m confidant AND doing the sense of humor shit okay AND good a making a special lady feel special, I’m still playing with a handicap. Even when I bring some bonus round shit to the table like:
- regularly clean bedsheets
- soup making skills
- clean balls (my cock’n balls hygiene is on point and underestimated)
- actual award winning Pro at many of the sex things
- excellent listener, thanks to some practice and self help books, and some odd family members and antisocial friends I’ve stuck loyal to
… I still feel like I can’t show up to the “Should I sell my furniture and move in with this sober pervert?” party with anything less than ripped abs.
This brings us to the point.
How to get totally shredded really fast without steroids
The thing is… you just gotta want it really fucking bad. So bad. It’s gotta be an integral part of whatever you are most obsessed about.
3rd Person Point in case: Lance is lonely as fuck and thinks a bad bitch porn wife with a heart of gold and funny jokes will fix him. He’s considering moving across the county to find HER, whoever she is. He thinks he needs to be shredded and at full sexy capacity to attract HER because he’s insecure with his party small talk and dance moves. What if he finally meets her, but it’s at a loud dance party and all he has to get her attention is being generally ripped as fuck? That could happen, right? So… Lance changes his relationship to food. He only eats things to move heavy weights and kick ass at life things. Lance moves heavier weights because of what he eats. Now he’s crazy ripped. That’s how it fucking works.
Okay. I know I don’t look too happy in the second pic. I wasn’t. I was emotionally destroyed at the time. The feels got better though, and I stayed ripped. I’m just talking about about physical results here :)
People kept asking me “what are you taking?” (because they wanted me to tell them about a magic unicorn steroid) and I keep disappointing them with “kale and steak.” Remember the sober thing? I don’t do drugs. I won’t do drugs that might effect my emotions. Steroids tend to make large men act like emotional teenage girls. But, I’ve done a little research, and as it turns out it’s totally possible to naturally increase your body’s output of testosterone with diet, exercise, stretching and posture. [check out Amy Cuddy‘s book, “Presence” also to learn more about this. It’s really helpful.] You totally can stab yourself in the ass every morning if you want, but you DO NOT HAVE TO. Sure, you’ll get quicker results, but you’ll also have lot’s of extra holes in your butt, and whatever other side effects come with that stuff. Like this common side effect I’ve heard about from my friends:
“Hey, you’re really cute and your jokes are funny. Can I buy you dinner, and then you can pop my back zits for me? Maybe in a few weeks I’ll send you insecure angry text novels out of no where? Why don’t you love me?!!?!?! Sorry…. Bitch!!! Sorry…..” – Steroid Guy Meeting a Girl he likes
To be completely honest, I’m not ruling out taking test or hormones from a real doctor forever. Some people really need it, and should go to a real doctor about it. There’s some really impressive data on the positive effect of getting testosterone injected into your butt. It really needs to be under doctor supervision though, not by some dude at your gym or advised by an online body building forum. Also, I would really prefer to hold out on that shit till my late 40’s if possible… The long term effects kinda freak me out. Hopefully I never really need them, but whatever.
But why change your diet to naturally overhaul your hormones? Because it makes you stronger, hornier, more confident, burn more fat and be less stressed out.
Ok, so here’s the honest diet. If you contacted me on social media and asked me how to get ripped, I might just send you a link to this to save us all time :)
-Oatmeal when you wake up
-Protein shake with glutamine (hour or two later)
-Lunch: Rice and beans (zatarans or uncle bens microwave packets) (with or with out whatever meat is around)
-protein shake with glutamine (hour or 2 later)
-pre workout with BCAAs and bagel (no cream cheese or butter) on the way to gym
-lift heavy weights and stretch a lot while taking up a considerate amount of space at your gym
-protein shake again on the way home from gym
-Dinner 1: turkey sandwich with baby kale on whole wheat. Pesto or mustard. Olive Oil Mayo optional.
-Dinner 2: (couple hours later) kale/spinach with meat “salad”
– Hard boiled eggs throughout the day when hungry
– Don’t eat dairy or soy. Seriously, no cheese. You can get used to it.
Lately I hear a lot of:
“You gotta eat fat!” “Fats are healthy!” “You’re body needs fat to (insert science blah blah blah)”
Don’t fucking worry about eating “enough of the right fats” because you WILL eat “enough” fat despite your best efforts of eating zero fat. The actual amount of “the right fats” that you need could be covered with a table spoon of coconut oil. Or an avocado. When nutritionists talk about “the right fats” that’s what they fucking mean. A very small amount of coconut oil or an avocado. Not shit tons of ice cream and butter and cheese on everything.
But you ARE going to eat ice cream and you ARE going to eat butter. You will have nachos. You have to eventually. They go so well with scream crying to your cats on a futon, flipping through self help books trying to figure out why she left, and how to somehow not let next one EVER leave cause this is unbearable shit to feel… Just an example. Insert your own little healthy-quirk thing there. I’m saying you are going to cheat. It would be insane not to. Just cheat with meals, or parts of meals. Don’t cheat full days. Also, if you really like donuts, eat fucking donuts. Just only eat them once a week, and eat them on the way to the gym so you turn the donut into the power to move weights.
The bagel on the way to the gym part is really important. Because it’s fucking energy. You need it.
Honestly, I think the whole idea is to just think of food as fuel or potential energy. If it’s not used, it’s fatness :) Again, you will have cheats. If you work hard in the gym and mostly stick to the diet the cheats won’t set you back at all. Make them cheat meals or deserts. Not cheat days or cheat weekends. You’ll get more mileage that way. I do.
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